I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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