i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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