At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
