I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
