I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
