yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
