I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
