Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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