The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
pray to the hookup gods
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize