A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My ATM looks so different sober.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
