There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
