Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
