i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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