**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
