HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
