I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
