She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
