I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
