We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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