She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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