Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
