Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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