Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
