i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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