hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
