doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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