Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
