This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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