I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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