so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
