I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
