woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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