dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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