I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
