it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
