you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
