Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
