I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
And then my night got REAL pukey
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
