If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
