You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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