He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
