Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize