The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
