You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
