two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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