I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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