im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
