Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
