I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Omg I joined a choir last night...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize