My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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