It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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