Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
