This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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