i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
