now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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