I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
