My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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