Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
