Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Let's paint friendship bongs
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
