i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
