You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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