Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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