is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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