just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
