When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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