Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So much Jack, so little girl.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
