taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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