I wish I could punch you in the face.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
